Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Super Changes

It has been a while since I have blogged. Don't think that while I was gone I didn't think about it, all the time. I would want to write but never really found the time or the quiet to do so. As I sit here with a headache, I decided to take this moment of quiet and write. Before I go any further I will be getting into some pretty big TMI for those who aren't interested. First lets start off with the not personal parts.
My family has officially decided to move to Ohio. No more ifs, ands, buts, or maybes. Butch left my mom in a rage, and is now in Ohio. I am trying to help my mom sell off most of her stuff so this move is as easy as possible. We haven't even started in storage yet and we are looking at moving by June 16th. So yeah, things aren't looking well in my perspective on that. I am trying to go with the flow and not stress too bad over it. Because after all, it is my moms life and all I can do is help her to the best of my ability.
Then there is my poor Coco. Some time last Saturday she got hurt, I think falling down the stairs. She is currently paralyzed from the waist down. I have been taking her to the vet twice a day for two days now to get shots to help. She is only showing minimum progress. So I am pretty worried over that. She doesn't complain though, she is my strong girl. I am pretty proud of how well she is taking all of it. She has been confined to a plastic clear tote that has a pillow and food and water for her. The vet gave me the talk today that she may be paralyzed forever, but then reassured me that she may not. Either way, I love Coco, and I would do anything for her. She is my baby and I wouldn't trade her for the world. If she remains this way, I will have to expel her bladder for her several times a day, and eventually find her a mechanism similar to a wheel chair so she can get around. But that is something to look at in the future. For now we are going with day to day treatment, and I try my best to make her happy.
Now is for the TMI. After my adoption falling through I have been doing a lot of medical research and such, had a few doctors appointments and I have decided to try to carry a child. It is very dangerous for me and the child. First off I have to make sure that everyday I am taking my full dose of lymes medication, and on time, to prevent the baby from getting lymes. Then I will have to wean myself off of my anxiety medication. I take a extremely high dose. This medication actually manages my anxiety, bi-polar, and manic depression. So once I am off of it fully I will be very emotionally unstable and unable to go in public places alone, if at all. It is scary for me to think about being off my meds. I like being able to be happy and I am glad I take them. But if I continue to take these medications, it would harm the baby for sure. So the entire time I am carrying, I have to be drug free. Now I know this doesn't sound too hard, and that's right, because it isn't the hard part. Getting pregnant is. This is very TMI, so those of you who just can't take it, look away now! lol.
Basically I found out from my gyno that have a vaginal muscle that in enlarged, and doesn't permit proper insertion of males parts, which thus explains why it has always been too painful for me to lose my virginity. I can only fit things about the size of a tampon in there( which I don't wear because they hurt, btw). So the gyno told me that my options lay between artificial insemination and invitro insemination. Which she highly advised the invitro due to my vaginal sensitivity. So now I am stuck with the fact that to have a baby, I have to have a doctor knock me up for a minimum of ten grand. Which depending on how hard it is, it can go up to 40 grand! So I have decided to attempt to inseminate myself using a children's medicine dropper as my tool. I know this is a lot of personal info, but I really just want to talk about my struggle with this. I am trying for a girl, and there are natural ways of increasing your chances of girls, and I am going to try them. My predicted fertile days are June 1st through the 5th. So wish me luck as I try to finally get the chance to become a mom. Because honestly I am not sure if I could ever afford for a Doctor to have it done.