Friday, December 23, 2016

Writing and Learning about Me

I used to write a lot here, I loved having a outlet to express myself. This along with journal on a regular basis. But I feel over time I lost myself because I lost many of the things I used to do that made me ME! I used to blog, journal, read, paint, make jewelry, play sims and world of  war craft, sew, and dream of opening my own business. Now I clean house and raise kids. That is my life. I never realized until now but so much of my view of how my life should be was a very feminist point of view. I felt I should be strong, independent, creative, smart, and able to achieve ANY dream and goal. I wasn't going to settle for being a housewife or just a Mom. But now that is what I am. A homemaker and a mom. And I feel like that is all I am. I struggle daily to keep up with laundry and dishes. Failing daily at potty training my oldest, while my youngest like to show me how much they can really tear apart a house. I haven't held a job in 5 years now, and I am starting to doubt my ability to.  It is heart breaking and depressing.

 I usually spend this last part of the year deciding what I want my new years resolution to be. You would think that I am getting to the point of saying this year I am gonna get out of this and find myself again! But sadly that isn't the case. I feel life has defeated me. I feel empty and so tired of fighting. So I think my new years resolution will be to learn to accept and conform to the role I have been assigned. Because at this point, I don't have hope. I don't find joy in anything any more. My kids do make me happy, but they don't make me feel complete. At this point I just don't think I will feel complete again.

  I spent a vast majority trying to make myself better. My goal was to be healthier mentally and physically. I went to the YMCA and worked out frequently. I ate better. I got into therapy and took different things to help with mood. I worked hard on making our home nicer and our family happier. But in the end I still felt empty and alone. I wanted to be stronger and happier. In the end I still feel weak and sad. So I think it may be time for me to accept, I can be nothing but what I am and stop trying to reach so far.

  If you  can't tell, today wasn't a good day for me. Tomorrow won't be better. For the first time in a long long time, I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I don't want to open gifts or see people. I have always been so open in my life, and what has happened to me I can't be open about and that makes the sadness even deeper. I don't know what will happen next.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Family

I have to write this and I have to write this right now, if I don't the moment will pass and I will forget it. I am so tired of forgetting. At times it makes things more enjoyable, because some feelings are new, but most times it just makes me feel sad. I Just finished hanging up my 2015 college picture. Every year since 2009 I have made one and now they all hang on the wall by the front door. All these years of memories hanging right there makes me so happy. We had all gone through so much and so much has changed. We went from just a few friends to a close family. We went from merely Justin, Jeremy and I to a full six. I love my boys so much. They bring so much joy to our lives. I look forward to everything I am going to experience with them. I really feel like 2016 is going to be a amazing year and has been so far. Even though I was given the bad news that I have fibromyalgia. I start on medication today. But having an answer to my health problems means so much. I have been in a pain for a while now, but I never complain, at least if I can help it. But even though the pain sucks the worst part is the memory loss. I constantly forget what I said, I have done, where I have been, why I got up, and what I was doing. If interrupted I completely forget what is going on. I lose track of nearly everything. I have begun to keep a tight organizational system just so I can not go insane because I NEVER remember where I put anything. So my coat, shoes, and purse go in the SAME place every day. I try not to set my phone down because I will instantly forget where I put it. I have several times lost my train of thought mid sentence. Planning and organizing has become so hard for me because I forget to finish, start or do a lot of things. I constantly have to write multiple check lists and reminders. I have to ask Justin, Jeremy or my sister to help me remember to do things.

It makes me a feel like a FAILURE. It doesn't help I hate asking for help. I will think Oh this needs done, and if I don't write it down or tell some one right away, the idea is gone, and I might as well have never thought it.

But I have a amazing family. Justin has been there for me no matter what. I don't know what I would do without him. There are some days where he works so hard, and I am so grateful to have him. The boys adore him and he has been a amazing father.


Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Time has passed...

So much time has passed since my last post and so much has changed. My life at some points feels like it is in a constant state of flux. I recently lost some one I was very close to a few months ago and in that moment I felt weak. Weaker then I had in years, and I didn't know who was going to save me. But then days passed and time went on and I started to grow. I picked up my pieces and grew stronger. Those moments when you feel like you cannot handle the change and the challenge, those are the moments that define us. But I didn't feel inspired to write today because of that sadness and burden, I was inspired to write today because of the happiness that is filling my home.

There are mega blocks all over the floor in front of my kitchen. A whole bag, dumped out and scattered, because today Aries decided he wanted to build things and the twins helped. It was beautiful to see as I sat at the table. I sat there working on paperwork and watched my boys learn.

I grabbed a cold bottle of tea from the fridge, because my roommate Caitlin remembered to stock it. The fridge is covered in photos of family and friends.

I got to spend time cuddling each of the twins to sleep tonight. Aries went to bed watching his new favorite movie 101 Dalmatians. A love he now shares with his dad.

I got to hang out with Jeremy, laying around watching dumb videos and looking at funny pictures on iFunny. Just hanging out.

Aries told me today he was HUNGRY, not just that he wanted a snack. Every day, new words, and sentences.

The joy of getting to wear new clothes I got for this season.

Justin found out today they will be extending his work hours back out, so that means more money for Christmas and for our savings.

Everyday I fall more in love with the man of my life as I watch him play with our kids, and spend time with them. He is a amazing father.

Caitlin starts her new job tomorrow, and her new school next week. So much change and she has arranged it all herself. I am so proud of her.

I found the twins matching dinosaur costumes, and Aries has his own, so I will have 3 little dinosaurs to take out trick or treating this year.

All of these beautiful things are why our house is so happy. We have so much good in our lives, so much to be thankful for. Life is never a perfect thing. Things happen, and people come and go. But the truth is if you cannot make it through the hard times and struggle you never get to enjoy the good and all it has to offer. Since having the twins I haven't been as strong as I need to be but I am learning I can be. I can find myself. I can do this. Life is beautiful and I won't let events or people hold me back. I never have before now, and I am not about to start!
Here are just a few of our special moments:
Aries pushing Pikachu in a stoller.

Aries and Draven watching TV together.

Me and Justin in our family photos 2015.

Me and Aries cudding before bedtime.

Caitlin working her magic on the twins before bedtime and playing Xbox.

Jeremy rocking guitar hero at Dave & Busters.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Feeling Complete

So being a mom keeps you busy. Busier then you expect. Being a mom to twins really ups the game too. I never really knew before this that my heart could hold so much love. When I hold my son Draven and look into his eyes my heart just melts and I think to myself how can I ever love anyone as much as I love him in this moment? But then his twin brother Brazen cries and instantly smiles as I pick him up and my heart melts all over again as I am overwhelmed by happiness. And of course there is Aries, who charms me every day. Every word he says is amazing and makes me so proud. I love each boy a little differently and I am so glad they are different in their own ways. I never truly knew my heart could hold so much. Because not only do these boys hold a special place in my heart but so does their father. Justin makes me smile everyday, making my life complete in ways no one else has. I really don't know what I would do without him in my life. But in the last year I also gained something I haven't had, possibly not ever before. I finally have a female in my life that I connect very closely with and trust with everything. Now that she is here I can't imagine my life without her in it. My family feels so complete now and my home so full. Even when things aren't going as planned or trouble arises, we always help each other and can depend on one another. Things aren't perfect but I wouldn't have them any other way.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Spring Cleaning

Well, if I haven't mentioned it before I will now. I am a hoarder. I do have a problem. But the best part is I have support. I have a family that helps me, and we are making a change for the better. We had our house over packed, and we have finished sorting here and are going through our storage units now.
So Phase One is the first part of our big spring cleaning. We started by making a large master list of the items we wanted to accomplish and the time we wanted to accomplish them in. After that we started going through everything in the basement and sorting them into different boxes. We sorted them by Keep, Yard Sale, Donate, and Sycamore House. 
The Keep stuff will go through a second round of sorting after we finish the basement and storage units. This way I get rid of anything I may have kept that I really didn't need after all.
The Yard Sale boxes are items I think I could sell quickly and make decent money off of. I have tons and tons of sale items and most of them will be donated.
The Donate box is everything we need to get rid of that isn't trash and will go straight to local thrift stores.
The Sycamore House box is all the motherhood and baby/children items I have to donate. They are a great organization that has helped me get baby supplies and maternity wear, and I want to make sure I give back to such a great program.
So Phase One will be considered complete when we finish emptying out both of our storage units. This is a big feat because we have two units that are 10X20 feet and were basically filled to the ceiling, front to back. So accomplishing this is a big thing to get done overall. 


Now Phase Two is more detailed and requires less heavy lifting! In this phase we go back through the keep boxes first, and get rid of any extra stuff. I want to thin out as much as possible. So once we have thinned out everything and we are sure we are down to ONLY the items we are for sure we want to keep, then we go into our organizational part of the phase. We will go from box to box and determine which room the items go in, then sort items and put them away. At this point we will work on rearranging and determining what we really have room for and what we don't. 

Phase Three is the expensive phase. At this point we start our remodeling. We are adding on a additional room that will be half a craft room and half a play room for the kids. This is my ultimate goal. So I can spend time with the family yet craft in my own space.