Friday, December 23, 2016

Writing and Learning about Me

I used to write a lot here, I loved having a outlet to express myself. This along with journal on a regular basis. But I feel over time I lost myself because I lost many of the things I used to do that made me ME! I used to blog, journal, read, paint, make jewelry, play sims and world of  war craft, sew, and dream of opening my own business. Now I clean house and raise kids. That is my life. I never realized until now but so much of my view of how my life should be was a very feminist point of view. I felt I should be strong, independent, creative, smart, and able to achieve ANY dream and goal. I wasn't going to settle for being a housewife or just a Mom. But now that is what I am. A homemaker and a mom. And I feel like that is all I am. I struggle daily to keep up with laundry and dishes. Failing daily at potty training my oldest, while my youngest like to show me how much they can really tear apart a house. I haven't held a job in 5 years now, and I am starting to doubt my ability to.  It is heart breaking and depressing.

 I usually spend this last part of the year deciding what I want my new years resolution to be. You would think that I am getting to the point of saying this year I am gonna get out of this and find myself again! But sadly that isn't the case. I feel life has defeated me. I feel empty and so tired of fighting. So I think my new years resolution will be to learn to accept and conform to the role I have been assigned. Because at this point, I don't have hope. I don't find joy in anything any more. My kids do make me happy, but they don't make me feel complete. At this point I just don't think I will feel complete again.

  I spent a vast majority trying to make myself better. My goal was to be healthier mentally and physically. I went to the YMCA and worked out frequently. I ate better. I got into therapy and took different things to help with mood. I worked hard on making our home nicer and our family happier. But in the end I still felt empty and alone. I wanted to be stronger and happier. In the end I still feel weak and sad. So I think it may be time for me to accept, I can be nothing but what I am and stop trying to reach so far.

  If you  can't tell, today wasn't a good day for me. Tomorrow won't be better. For the first time in a long long time, I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I don't want to open gifts or see people. I have always been so open in my life, and what has happened to me I can't be open about and that makes the sadness even deeper. I don't know what will happen next.

Monday, January 18, 2016


I have to write this and I have to write this right now, if I don't the moment will pass and I will forget it. I am so tired of forgetting. At times it makes things more enjoyable, because some feelings are new, but most times it just makes me feel sad. I Just finished hanging up my 2015 college picture. Every year since 2009 I have made one and now they all hang on the wall by the front door. All these years of memories hanging right there makes me so happy. We had all gone through so much and so much has changed. We went from just a few friends to a close family. We went from merely Justin, Jeremy and I to a full six. I love my boys so much. They bring so much joy to our lives. I look forward to everything I am going to experience with them. I really feel like 2016 is going to be a amazing year and has been so far. Even though I was given the bad news that I have fibromyalgia. I start on medication today. But having an answer to my health problems means so much. I have been in a pain for a while now, but I never complain, at least if I can help it. But even though the pain sucks the worst part is the memory loss. I constantly forget what I said, I have done, where I have been, why I got up, and what I was doing. If interrupted I completely forget what is going on. I lose track of nearly everything. I have begun to keep a tight organizational system just so I can not go insane because I NEVER remember where I put anything. So my coat, shoes, and purse go in the SAME place every day. I try not to set my phone down because I will instantly forget where I put it. I have several times lost my train of thought mid sentence. Planning and organizing has become so hard for me because I forget to finish, start or do a lot of things. I constantly have to write multiple check lists and reminders. I have to ask Justin, Jeremy or my sister to help me remember to do things.

It makes me a feel like a FAILURE. It doesn't help I hate asking for help. I will think Oh this needs done, and if I don't write it down or tell some one right away, the idea is gone, and I might as well have never thought it.

But I have a amazing family. Justin has been there for me no matter what. I don't know what I would do without him. There are some days where he works so hard, and I am so grateful to have him. The boys adore him and he has been a amazing father.