Sunday, December 30, 2012

30 Things I want my kids to know about me Part 4

Here we go again!

Number 10:
Describe your most embarrassing moment.
I can't honestly come out with one solid moment, and that's because I spent a lot of my life making sure I wasn't caught in those kinds of situations. Honestly though, the most embarrassing thing that happened to me fairly often growing up and still some times does today is I get confused. I have very mild dyslexia and I will reverse the meaning of a word with its opposite or forgot which way spells a word properly. It really makes me feel super dumb that I can't recall the correct meaning or spelling when trying to express myself. On many occasions where that has happened people have called me out on it and laughed at me.

Number 11:
Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
1. Lazy people. People who think that things should just happen for them or will work out with no work involved.
2. Dirty people. People who cannot clean up after themselves and think it is perfectly okay to just be nasty and trashy.
3. When people don't know how to shut off the lights, shut doors or cabinets, or close containers after use.
4. When people don't put things away after using them, or use them without my permission(things they need to ask for that is.)
5. Bad drivers. Thanks for not only risking your life but mine all because you either don't care, or think your the best driver out there.
6. When the people I live with feel they need to have the TV on 24-7. I can't stand that. I need something more interactive then a screen to stare at, and eventually it gives me a headache.
7. When my dogs won't quit barking, especially when there is NOTHING to be barking at!!!
8. Discovering someone ate all of something I wanted, rarely happens, but when it does it drives me nuts. Used to happen to my ice cream a lot, but I put a stop to that!
9. Ungrateful people. You have everything in the world handed to you and you aren't grateful or only expect more. I hate that.
10. People who think they are above the law. I don't care if you smoke pot, power to you, but you seriously have no right to be pissy when you get caught. Same for any other kind of law breaking.

Number 12:
Describe a typical day in your current life.
Well, this is a boring one now. To reduce stress and to deal with being sick 24-7 from being pregnant, I don't do much. On a normal weekday I sleep in with Justin until about noon because he gets home so late. We either hangout together at home, watching TV and eating something , or run a few quick errands until he goes to work around 2-2:30. Then depending on the day I entertain myself on the computer or if not feeling well take a short nap. Then I spend time with the dogs until Jeremy gets here from work, and he usually spends the evening with me. Either we cook dinner together or separately, and watch some TV together. Then usually at a decent time he goes home and I entertain myself until Justin gets home. We eat, and spend some time together and then off to bed, usually around 2 am or 3 am. Weekends we get more time to hang out together.

Number 13:
Whats the hardest part of growing up?
For me personally, the hardest part was not wanting or getting the help I needed with my mental disabilities. It would have changed everything.
I would say though the hardest part in general is the fact your so young your world feels so huge, and any problems you face seem so much harder then they really were. Boys, school, family, everything seemed so big, and it just blows my mind to look back now and think that those problems are nothing compared to now.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

30 Things I want my kids to know about me Part 3

Here is the third installment of my 30 things list.
Number 5:
What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
1. Justin. He makes me smile everyday and is the light of my life.
2. My pets. I love my dogs Coco, Cami, and Furby. Even though Quinn isn't living with me currently, it makes me really happy to see him.
3. My crafts. Being creative and making something always makes me happy.
4. Being Pregnant. It may not be the actual pregnancy itself, because I am sick as hell, but I am finally going to have my own baby and be a mom. I feel like a real woman.
5. Sleeping, honestly. Being pregnant has given me such super real and weird dreams that sleeping is actually more enjoyable then usual.

Number 6:
If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
1. Wealth. Pay off my debt, buy a nice house, buy a nice car(my dream mommy van), and have money to send my kid to college and go to Disney World.
2. Perfect health for me and my family.
3. World Peace? I really don't know because the first two make my life perfect.

Number 7:
What is your dream job, and why?
This is an easy answer. I want to own and run my own thrift store. I worked for a year at a GoodWill store and LOVED what I did. But being there made me realize there are so many things they could do to help out the environment or the community. They could have donated broken ceramic dishes to the local high school to make mosaics with or we had a teacher come in asking for wire hangers, paying out of his pocket, so his students could do a project. Our store didn't sell them, they threw them out, BUT we weren't allowed to give anything away, not even trash. I want to run the kind of store that builds community value, helping where it can. A place that recycles more, and throws away less, and makes the world a better place. That's my dream job.

Number 8:
What are 5 passions you have?
1. Art. That is my biggest one. I love to paint, draw, scrapbook, and just plain create.
2. Being Eco Friendly/Frugal. I like to save money and do good for the environment. I know I could do more, but I try to save on my trash output, reuse when ever I can, and recycle.
3.Reading and Writing. I love a good book, and I love to write when ever I can.
Since I condensed my passions I only have three.

Number 9:
List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
1. My Mom. She was a super strict parent, and although she made a lot of my life hell she taught me important things like proper cleaning, and the importance of being organized.
2. Helen Keller. Never met her obviously, but I learned about her in elementary school and her will to learn and survive was and is very inspiring to me.
3. Maya Gaskins-Hickman. This girl taught me that being weird is ok, and she taught me how to shop, and trust me, that is more important then you would think.
4. Justin Moran. He taught me what true happiness is, and that everything is worth working through.
5. My first high school love. I would rather not name. He taught me that there was love out there, before him I had never been happy with a guy and didn't know I could be.
6. Mr. Stone. He was my 6th grade teacher and he was the first teacher to really open my eyes to my love of education and learning. He made learning cool.
7. Mr. Hurt. He was my middle school art teacher. He changed my perspective on art and let me run loose with the art supplies. I thank him for opening those doors.
8. My Grandma 'Mamaw'. She showed me not all love is the same. She taught me how to knit and do plastic canvas work, and never discouraged my creative side.
9. My Dogs. Oddly yes. You come home every day to them and they are happy to see you and love you. I try to remember that, because no matter what everyone deserves to be loved, your dog thinks so.
10.Jeremy Malone. Yes that dork. He has taught me it is okay to be goofy, to love weird things, and to have a passion for games. His influence has taught me to enjoy life more.

30 Things I want my Kids to know about Me Part 2

In my last blog I answered question number one. Lets see what we can answer tonight.
Number Two:
Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Well, one fear I have is catching on fire. Not a huge fear, but when I was growing up my mom always had candles lit every where, and I had super long hair. Needless to say I came very close on serveral occasions to catching my hair on fire. Hasn't happened that I know of but still scared. A second fear is of squishing bugs. When I was a little kid my grandparents had a half in ground finished basement, and I dumped out a mason jar full of pens once. Where there was what looked to be a baked bean in the jar, so being a little kid I squeezed it between my fingers to see if it was. Turns out it was a super dead june bug and was super crunchy. Ever since squishing bugs freaks me out. Then my third fear isn't that scarey, it is a fear of running out of stuff. For example say food or toilet paper. I grew up in a house of surplus, there was always more then enough of everything. But then in my late teen years I spent time between being homeless and shacking with friends and learned what it was truely like to live without these things. I lived with one family who own ONE bath towel. I remember not having any money to buy food, using pocket change to buy roman so we could just eat something. Empty cabinets scare me. Deeply.
Number Three
Describe Your Relationship With Your Spouse:
This is a awesome question. I am glad this one was on the list because I don't feel like I get to ever talk about this. I love Justin and I love him in a way I haven't ever loved anyone else. He is the first man I have ever had a mature love with. I don't need him to feel complete about myself, but him being here does just that. Just being in the same room makes me a happier person. He is not perfect by any means, but he tries and he loves with all of his heart. We don't give up every time we get into a fight, we work it out, fix it, and keep going. The best things in life are that way. You ever see some one who has been driving the same car since the 80's? Thats because they know the best things are worth working on when they break down. Justin drives me crazy, but I love him for it. He is a child at heart and it keeps me young. He is always pushing me to follow my dreams and go the distance. I have never met some one so supportive. I really feel like this is the kind of love that lasts forever.
Number Four
List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could:
1. DO NOT use that hair brush at the skating rink.
2. Talk to your friends more.
3. Reconsider trying bipolar meds.
4. I know you wont believe even yourself saying this, but he isn't the dream come true you think he is.
5. Take more pictures of Mickey and Holden.
6. Enjoy highschool, it is only four years, and Newton High ROCKS.
7. Take more of an interest in Gardening and Cooking at home.
8. Never stop writing, whether it is journals, books, stories, poetry, let it out.
9. Have faith in yourself, because you can do it, all by yourself.
10. See a gyno. It could change everything.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

30 Things I want my Kids to know about Me

So I was going through Pinterest. One of my favorite pass times. When I came across this great idea. The Pin was 30 Things I want my Kids to know about Me. That is a big thing of mine. I am currently writing a baby journal. This book has all of my current thoughts and feelings, and so they can know I loved them before I ever met them. Then I am the kind of person that is moved by certain stories and movies. One story that always moves me is when a parent leaves behind messages or notes, sometimes certain items for their child to remember them and know them. If something were to ever happen to me, it would mean a lot a to me. So I journal for myself, I journal for the baby, I write a blog, and I scrapbook. So now I have found this neat list of things, kind of like questions, to let my child know who I am now. This is detailed so it may take several posts.
Number One:
List 20 Random Facts About Yourself:
1. My name is Panda Michelle and I was named after my mothers best friend in high school.
2. My favorite color changes nearly all the time, I like pink, blue and green mostly.
3. Coco is my first real pet. I love her so much I have a tattoo to represent her.
4. I never cut my hair short until I was 16, until then it was past my butt.
5. I love piano music.
6. Since I can remember I have always wanted my first child to be a girl.
7. I got my drivers licence when I was 18.
8. I am addicted to SIMS games. Currently Sims3.
9. I am 5'7.
10. I love fresh veggies and fruits. People hate how green peppers smell and I eat them raw.
11. I love Vampires and wanna be one, lol.
12. I believe there is a god, but I am in no way his servant.
13. I love to go to yard sales and bargain shop.
14. I am a artist, and I love to paint and draw.
15. I try to be Eco friendly.
16. I believe one person can make a difference.
17. I didn't plan on having kids til I was 30.
18. I am the oldest of the oldest of 7 kids.
19. I got married when I was 18, and generally, that's a bad idea.
20. I collect Jewelry.

This is all for now. To be continued!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Week 11

I am pretty sure I said in my last post I was 11 weeks, which wasn't correct. Mondays are my week change days and I am now 11 weeks. I am due on a Monday and with a double check on a backward count I am 11 weeks as of December 17th, 2012. It still blows my mind that I am pregnant! It is starting to show too. Below my rib cage I normally curve inward and between my hip bones I normally curve in. Now even when I suck in, I barely break even. So it is really starting to show as it fills out my figure. Sadly my organs don't share my happiness over the matter, and do not appreciate the baby moving them out of his or her way, no matter how slow they are doing it. I was curious of how far along I was in months and then also when my first trimester would be over. I think if something was wrong I would sense it, but that first trimester milestone really sets a lot of fears on the back burner. So it is looking like 3 more weeks and we will be in the clear. I was thinking around new year it would be good.

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Friday, December 14, 2012

Pregnancy Changes: 11 Weeks

I just got out of the shower and while I was in there I did some deep thinking. Well, I did some thinking lets say that. The biggest thought on my mind was how my body and habits have already changed so much now that I am pregnant. So instead of fulling up facebook with tons of random statuses on what my body is up to, I thought a nice blog would summarize it. I am 11 weeks today, roughly.

First off is the visible physical changes. There isn't anything noticeable unless I am in my undies. Basically the space between my hip bones no longer curves in and has begun its slight curve outward. I am also slightly bloated, so it has me a little pudge around the middle. So basically slightly bigger, but I think I still could take a decent bikini picture.

Next is the eating. Cravings set in early. They are more like urges. Except for meat. That one is a craving for sure. Before I was pregnant I ate on average twice a day. I ate around noon something small, and then a larger dinner. It wasn't me starving myself either, I just wasn't hungry. That has completely changed now. I feel hungry what seems like all the time! I can eat and be hungry an hour later. Now I eat a small breakfast, trying to eat something that will sit well on my stomach to start the day. Then usually some sort of couple of bites snack, and either a couple more snacks or a lunch, then I have dinner. Which thank god I am finally feeling well enough to cook. Then after dinner I stay up late, so usually two more snacks. If I nap during the day it eliminates one or two snacks all together. The biggest change is the meat. I crave meat. I am nearly a vegetarian, and now I am wanting a damn near raw steak! Meat has always been something I was super picky about because I don't like cutting it up, hard to chew, doesn't sit well with my stomach. I am basically like an old person when it comes to REAL meat. Give me cold cuts or ground meat any day and no big deal. Now I am all over steaks, chops, you name it!

Another big change is mood. Half of this change is pregnancy change and the other half is no meds change. The pregnancy part is the tears. I cry over EVERYTHING. A picture of a puppy and baby? Tears. Sharing a Christmas memory? Tears. It has been crazy. That super cute baby outfit at WalMart? Tears. The other big mood change is no drugs. Stress equals Anger. Flat out. I try not to interact with anyone outside my household for fear I will freak out. I haven't yelled at anyone outside of immediate family and friends who understand. Which is good.  The mixture of my anxiety and bipolar, and the fact I am pregnant, make me get super angry over normally small stressors that don't even merit a reaction half the time. So it goes without saying I cannot wait to be back on my happy pills. I recognise I have a problem and to be a good functioning person I need medication. I can't even tell my reactions are irrational at times. But it is good I can see that.

The last thing I can think of that has really changed is I have extreme and vivid dreams. I normally dream every night, but this is so different. I dream more detailed dreams and more creative dreams. Dreams I remember much more details to, and ones that convince me when I wake up that my reality has changed. I was convinced the other day when I woke up that Justin never existed!! Crazy!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Pregnancy Dreams

I am 10 weeks along now, and man have the dreams revved into over time! I have very vivid dreams every night I sleep, and extremely often when I nap. The reason I am having these extra dreams is because my body is being flooded pregnancy hormones progesterone, estrogen and human chorionic gonadotrophin (hCG). These are causing all kinds of interesting things.
Now, the one that has really caught my attention is one of my latest dreams. In this dream all my nieces and nephews where there and all school age. Also I was temporarily homeless and meet some crazy people! I think since the kids played such a role in this dream it was me thinking and wondering what my child will look like and act like. There are so many factors to play in, that who knows 'who' is going to pop out of me in July! Other parts of my dream include me discovering a pool and finding weird places to get scrap metal from. I think the pool is me looking for comfort and the scrapping is my concern on money.
No nightmares yet, but I have read once you get far enough along on your pregnancy your baby moving and kicking can influence your dreams. Which I find interesting and scary because I want to feel my baby move, but the idea of something alive inside me is a little creepy. Horror movies have ruined some things for me.