Friday, December 23, 2016

Writing and Learning about Me

I used to write a lot here, I loved having a outlet to express myself. This along with journal on a regular basis. But I feel over time I lost myself because I lost many of the things I used to do that made me ME! I used to blog, journal, read, paint, make jewelry, play sims and world of  war craft, sew, and dream of opening my own business. Now I clean house and raise kids. That is my life. I never realized until now but so much of my view of how my life should be was a very feminist point of view. I felt I should be strong, independent, creative, smart, and able to achieve ANY dream and goal. I wasn't going to settle for being a housewife or just a Mom. But now that is what I am. A homemaker and a mom. And I feel like that is all I am. I struggle daily to keep up with laundry and dishes. Failing daily at potty training my oldest, while my youngest like to show me how much they can really tear apart a house. I haven't held a job in 5 years now, and I am starting to doubt my ability to.  It is heart breaking and depressing.

 I usually spend this last part of the year deciding what I want my new years resolution to be. You would think that I am getting to the point of saying this year I am gonna get out of this and find myself again! But sadly that isn't the case. I feel life has defeated me. I feel empty and so tired of fighting. So I think my new years resolution will be to learn to accept and conform to the role I have been assigned. Because at this point, I don't have hope. I don't find joy in anything any more. My kids do make me happy, but they don't make me feel complete. At this point I just don't think I will feel complete again.

  I spent a vast majority trying to make myself better. My goal was to be healthier mentally and physically. I went to the YMCA and worked out frequently. I ate better. I got into therapy and took different things to help with mood. I worked hard on making our home nicer and our family happier. But in the end I still felt empty and alone. I wanted to be stronger and happier. In the end I still feel weak and sad. So I think it may be time for me to accept, I can be nothing but what I am and stop trying to reach so far.

  If you  can't tell, today wasn't a good day for me. Tomorrow won't be better. For the first time in a long long time, I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I don't want to open gifts or see people. I have always been so open in my life, and what has happened to me I can't be open about and that makes the sadness even deeper. I don't know what will happen next.
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