I know so many people out there are going to read this and be sooo freaking happy and then there are some that are going to be hurt, or very angry. So I guess sucks to be me some more.
But the damn truth is that I am so miserable. I hate my life. I feel like bad things are always happening. Everyday when I come home from work on the drive home I cry. I cry because I don't like my job, because I have so much debt, because I have to be alone. I hate that I am alone. I miss my husband, and I hate myself for missing him. Why should I miss some one who hurt me so bad?? Why should I miss some one who smoked behind my back, and in my house, and put dirty dishes in the dresser, stole my money, and lied to me continueously. But I do miss him and a lot. I meet a guy who I fall head over heels for, he likes me too, and he is leaving for the military! Well there went that one! I met another guy who is pretty great, but I just don't feel that connection with. So I can't win in that department. Every time I build up my life it crumbles and falls apart. I had tons of my clothes packed up in the basement, and they got soaked when it flooded, but I didn't know. So now I will probably lose them all. Things I loved to wear, and my winter clothes. I will probably have to throw away almost all my house decor and christmas stuff that was packed up down there too. I am trying to save my stuff, but I don't have time to because of the fact I am always working. I am always working because I am in so much debt. I am in so much debt because of the fact I believed my boss when she would promise me more hours and never came through, and because of all the empty promises from my husband. I feel like such a failure because I trusted and relied on others and they let me down. Every time I go to sleep I wish and pray that I won't wake up, and that all this pain will be over. But I always wake up and go to work and bust my ass and then I am back were I started. I feel like I never catch up. Every day I feel so guilty going to work because Coco misses me so much. She looks at me when I put on my uniform because she knows she is not going to see mommy for a long time. I know many people think she is just a dog, but she is my baby. Honestly if it weren't for the fact I don't think anyone would take care of her and love her enough, I would just die. some times she really is all I live for. I get up and go to work everyday and it all feels so pointless. My house is always trashed. I never have enough time to catch up with anything, because if I don't get enough sleep then I will lose my job. I keep fighting and fighting and putting up this front that I am strong and happy, and that is because I don't want anyone to know I am hurting and weak and I just want some one to help me. I feel so overwhelmed, but I don't want people to know. I don't want everyone to think I am just a whiner or a baby, I want to be strong, but I hate that I have to be. Jeremy can run away and be a kid, and have nothing to be responsible for. He doesn't have to be an adult, but then wants to live with me and it just makes everything worse. Chris runs home, and doenst have to be responsible for anything he had up here, and I am stuck here, in the real world all by myself and everyone else can just abandon when they want to. Oh, this isn't fun anymore, I am gone. Slowly I feel like I am losing everything. First all my stuff down in the basement, which was a large percentage of my stuff. Then my house is falling apart. I have no time to get things repaired. I have no hot water, and I have to have my water heater repaired. I have to no time to be here for that, and I don't have the money to fix it. The van needs a alternator, no time or money. Oh and I just found out that my puppy has fleas, thats why she cries so much. I have no idea what to do to help her! What kind of person lets a two week old puppy get fleas??? I feel like I have let her down. Now I have drama at work, which could even cause me to lose my job if it goes wrong. Which with the road my life
No comments:
Post a Comment